I turned 25 a little less than a month ago. Age is a strange and bizarre concept. At 12 I think I was older than my years. At 22 I was younger. At 25, I feel my age.
I feel my body taking longer to recover from hangovers. I feel my back getting crunchy if I don’t stretch during the day. I feel last nights bed-time french fries clinging and sticking to my insides. I feel my energy dissipating for particular sorts of interactions. My patience has both grown and completely gives no fucks when the situation calls for it.
At 25 I feel more alert to the fact that I am sharing so personally so globally. But I am struck by the ultimate goal I once had for this blog – to start a dialogue. So thrust forward I shall.
My penchant for states of mental intoxication is infrequent and often comes with a strict mandatory list of fulfillment before I can go down the road of “hey brain, you might not be back for a few hours”. My capacity for brief relationships and interactions is dwindling and I’ve come to realize how strongly I value one-on-one time with people.
At 25, I finally feel my body is my own.
When I was 19 I ordered “The Art of Seduction” online. I was ecstatic and embarrassed when it was delivered to my door. A young, awkward, and hypersexual teenager learning to seduce. Such a strange experience it was. Dolling myself up on a day-to-day basis, taking hours to pamper and dress myself before I could even leave the house. And when people would stare at me or men would hit on me, I would feel my eyes well up. Walking out of the bathroom from the Eaton Centre, a woman looked me up and down and verbally slapped me with “Well God, sorry I didn’t brush my hair this morning.”
Traveling to Scarborough for school, I would get hit on repeatedly by young men with the one liner of “Hi… Do you have a boyfriend?” and the only way I knew how to push them away was to say “Yes” and let the highly-acclaimed Male Respect wash over my new fan-base and leave me even more convinced that my body and appearance were not for myself, but for the men around me.
At 25, I know the difference. At 25 my relationships don’t change when I take my makeup off or wear sweatpants outside or get food on my face. At 25 I feel I have erased enough of this bizarre hypocritical life society expects of its young women. At 25 I have finally undone this engrained backwards thinking.
At 25, I understand how fleeting relationships can be because people are fleeting. You can never hold onto anyone because a person is not an anchor and often one has difficulty even holding onto themselves. At 25 I have learned sometimes it is ok if you don’t have enough energy to give. Some relationships are too drenched in history to unbury new kindling. Sometimes you can sit across from someone you’ve known deeply for years, and there is nothing you can say or do to resolve the personal conflicts you have both gone through together. I have been too loud to hear someone. I have been too quiet to have been heard. There is no possible way to resolve all conflict in all relationships. At 25, I am letting myself have “this is okay,” because if it’s not, I might not be able to anchor myself.
At 25, I breath deeply enough and have read enough Chopra, Mate, Tolle, Robbins, that I *hope* I can stand diplomatically and with open arms in the middle of a world that is very quick to shoot arrows and stay standing with minimal holes to my person.
At 25, I feel I have both lived 7 lives and lived none at all.
At 25, I both want to apologize to everyone I have ever unintentionally hurt and also reside in my bubble of stubborn, holding a mirror up to everyone I have fought with just so we recognize that we are just staring at ourselves. I see my own flaws so clearly in other people. I see my strengths, too.
My heart remains open, even though my head is exhausted. I sincerely appreciate and value the people in my life whose hearts are also open – it is an honor to be surrounded by friends and family who are so eager to give. I hope I am able to mirror your generosity.
At 25, I feel I have worked so hard just to go three feet forward and one foot back. And I think about all of the work that is still ahead of me and a part of me wants to lie in my bed nest with Max dog and just drink wine and fall asleep and a part of me has found the energy to keep going because passion or… something.
Here’s to my quarter-life crisis and the new sets of adventures this feeling of adult-hood will bring on.
At 30, I hope I will continue to laugh at myself.
Hi beautiful beings! I am doing it! After a long hiatus, I am hosting another lady Body Pride on Friday, September 12th (7-11pm), $50. Body Pride was inspired by Betty Dodson’s Bodysex workshops that she still holds in her New York apartment. Body Pride is 100% naked, filled with facilitated group conversation about our bodies and sexualities. An evening of wine, (vegan friendly) snacks and a gleefully silly photoshoot to finish it off (totally your call to participate or not). We still have a couple of spaces left! Please send me a message at email@example.com if you’d like to come!
“I was kinda scared coming into Body Pride but it was so not needed! The women that I met and talked to were totally amazing. This is such a positive place and I feel like I belong and can share without judgment. I feel encouraged and welcomed and want to pay it forward! Body Pride is more than loving our bodies, it’s about loving community and building trust and relationships with other like-minded women. Such a pleasure! I will be back!”
At the bright and ripe age of 24, I have successfully failed at marriage.
If you are new to reading this blog, you will probably take one look at the name and think to yourself ‘well, duh, why would you even GET married’. If you know me… You might be thinking the same thing, regardless.
I am countlessly asked ‘What happened?” And as someone who has never been shy about sharing, I can honestly say, in the grand scheme of things… I don’t know. I really, truly, do not know anything about marriage.
And I know that these are things that don’t need to be said. I don’t owe any explanation to anyone, nor do I particularly want to give one. But in the interest in continuing this blog with the honesty and integrity I started it with, with the deep and real belief I have that the more we share and talk about things, the easier they become to change. So here we go.
A lovely thing someone posted on facebook the other day:
“Being married does not mean your relationship has more value than someone else’s.”
Which carries something beautiful with it and is, of course, 100% accurate. The government knows nothing about your relationship. Some of the most malfunctioning relationships could exist within marriage and some of the most magnificent relationships could exist outside of it.
I did not fail without a fight… Probably too many fights. I wrote countless letters that were never shared, attempting to find some wisdom in repetitive insight… (I never did… or maybe I did. Who knows). When it comes down to it, I physically and emotionally had no more to give. My posture collapsed in upon itself, my eyes welled up with tears, I became useless. Even writing this my chest is constricting and I have a headache. I had reached the threshold of what I could give of myself in this particular relationship.
Maybe it was because, as my mother never failed to remind me, “I was too young”… (I think I will always be too young). Maybe, it was because my brain, overridden by countless Disney movies and hollywood chick flicks, had very small amounts of other options of what to do when you are entirely consumed by love but to tie yourself to that person for your entire life. Maybe it was my over zealous spontaneity or confidence in my decision-making skills that marriage didn’t seem as daunting as it does now.
Whichever it was or is… I am okay with it. Of course. How could you not be. It was a relationship and relationships are so infused with love and beauty and consumption of wanting something so badly. Relationships are the epitome of the ultimate human expression, in whatever form that expression chooses to come out in.
There are so many other things that need to be said about being married and separating from the person who you existed in marriage with. There are so many moments that you ache for. There are feelings you wonder if you will ever feel again.
“I love your face. Like, so much so. Everything about it is something I find to be so appealing and handsome – a face I would want to spend forever with if I believed in forevers.”
In the painfully honest words of the most romantic teen fiction novel of our time:
In December 2013, Deej and I bused up to Peterborough to do a weekend of Body Pride as per a request of my younger sister.
Peterborough’s Trent University community is incredibly unique in a numerous amount of ways – the students buy most of their groceries at the farmers market held every Saturday, transporting local produce and cheese by bike even in the dead of winter, they cook ferociously and love to share with anyone around, doors are always open, and hugs are always plentiful. It is an ideal I know many of us only dream about, and these young people have put it into action.
There was one outstanding habit that they have acquired that I am in constant awe of – the ease of touching and communication between men.
It is not unusual to see piles of girls cuddling in social situations. We chatter about our feelings and wants and desires and often cry into the armpits of our friends. This would be a rare moment to catch between men, yet these Peterborough boys have perfected it. They hug at will and talk deeply upon need. The picture above is one of many that was shot at this particular workshop, and it continues to overjoy me. To see so much love shared between humans without the filters of stereotypical masculinity. To embrace the feminine and masculine sides of us all and stop associating it with physical gender.
As we dip into the naughtier side of life, we have partnered up with the amazingly sexy folks of Oasis Aqualounge to bring you I’d Tap Thats first official Play Party.
What is a play party Caitlin? Well, dear naked being, a play party is a sex party. There are open rooms with large (clean) beds that you are able to openly engage in sexy time with those of your choosing, or to watch others play. There is one private room at the very top of the beautiful old building that you can sneak away to if you’d like to do things behind closed doors. There are wet saunas, dry saunas, a hot tub, and outdoor heated pool (you can’t have sex in the water, but you can definitely get butt naked). Stripper poles, porn, bars. We are having our own Willy Wonka handing out handmade (vegan friendly) chocolate. We are bringing in Kink pro Sarah L. to run a wonderfully detailed and interactive workshop about how to get started with a kink relationship. And there will be various live porn sets throughout the night!
If you are between the ages of 19-35 and have been wanting an opportunity to go to a sex club, this is a great opportunity as we bring out the babely people that come to CrushTO to get a little bit babelier. $15 entrance fee.