The Sexual Accommodization Of A Self-Proclaimed Slut

When I was 19, I had already become a self-proclaimed Slut. I held this title proudly (as I still do, but with far more understanding of what it means to me personally).

At 19, I tore through sex partners like it was my god damn life force. I went to Irish pubs downtown, I would get wasted off beer and tequila shots, wear short skirts that rode up over my ass, dance to Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy, and I would wait patiently until 1 or 2 in the morning when I would vacate the premises with some random boy. I was so proud of my achievements… like each different penis that entered my body was a notch I could carve into my Professional Wall of Fuckery, and, with this, each notch had the magical ability to give me a golden star of self-worth and desirability (shout out to society for this fucked up psychological training).

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This is where the grey area starts and I feel like such giant outcome of everything our Westernized culture has told me I should be and I am enraged.

I have an unusually high sex drive. I knew this at 19 and I know this now. I was working with the information I had at my disposal to achieve the goals I wanted to reach: have as much sex as I could.

If I hadn’t been ferociously recording everything in journals, I would’ve told you that I rocked that shit. That I was the one in power in those situations and that sure, the men folk were using me, but I was also using them. The playing field was level. After I realized how easy it was to get laid, I upped the ante and often orchestrated these intensely intricate dates in order to not only bed the men, but get them “hooked”. I got high off seducing men that held more power than I did: older, *better* looking, wealthy, teacher, CEO, etc.

The experiences I was living empowered me. The experiences I am re-recalling shatter my heart because I know now I could not tell where being empowered stopped and being accommodating started.

What do you mean, Caitlin? I will give you an example dear reader.

One evening at Grace O’Malleys, all dolled-up real good, I went to the bar to get a Corona. The bar was busy and a friendly, 40-something old man who was sitting watching sports very politely and non-presumptively called the bartender over to our area so I could order. I teased him about wearing a baseball cap inside, and he revealed a totally bald head underneath and let me know it was because his head got cold otherwise. He was not hitting on me in any way shape or form – which I was confused by. He continued to help me get the attention of the bartender throughout the night, not once making any sort of sexual advance. At 1 or 2 in the morning, when I came up to the bar again, he asked me why I wasn’t dancing. I held out my hand, prompting him to come dance with me. He seemed astonished, but indulged me and lugged himself out to the dance floor where I pushed him up against a wall and started grinding on him, taking his hands and placing them on my young 19-year-old hips, my face tilted down, eyes staring up at him. After I lured him into making out with me for 15 minutes, I asked him to invite me back to his hotel room. He promptly complied.

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I seem in charge so far, don’t I? Stupid, perhaps, going back to a 40-year-old strangers hotel room after I had inhaled 4 or 5 drinks (a lot, for me), without getting any of his information to give to my friends. But nonetheless, I set this situation up for myself. Of course, we fucked. It was fine, I’m sure. After he had finished (I couldn’t orgasm during partnered sex at this point so never even tried), I was lying naked on top of him, being coy with pillow talk and astonishing him with my real age which he had never inquired about. When, hard again, he inserted his penis without a condom into my vagina. I hesitantly accommodated. He came inside me without any warning. My reaction: a slightly inconvenienced “ugh, now I have to get Plan B tomorrow”.

WHAT?!

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? This 40-year-old man came inside a 19-year-old strange girl without any follow up conversation and I was under the impression that my reaction needed to be neutral.

So here we have a slew of things:

From this experience, I walked away feeling powerful because I felt hugely desirable. My Professional Wall of Fuckery notched this achievement of seducing a male in a position of power (because bedding men is hard…).

And also this intensely problematic pandering and accommodating to said male in position of power.

At 19 I built up a tower of self-worth through sexual conquests because I recognized that this was how I could become powerful. I was utilizing femininity to my direct benefit. This is what society, my childhood, my education, my culture told me: Be desired and be worthy. And I played and enjoyed the game because it directly benefitted me: I got laid.

Now, as I re-read all of my old journals, my sense of proud Sluttishness is mixed with a dense sadness for respect I did not get and did not know to ask for. For a deep love for my young self for fighting against gender stereotypes with bold sexuality but an immediate and intense empathy for the unrecognized and unseen trauma my body knows but I did not.

How many times I gave men access to my body and never stopped to recognize at which point I was being taken advantage of. I have so much fear and sorrow for the countless amount of young women who also don’t know where these differences lie because, as a society, we are letting our youth down because we are too scared to talk to them about sex.

At 25, this past year, I learnt that I am an accommodating person. Through no fault of my own, I was hand-crafted and sculpted into a beautiful statue of ~always putting other people first~. There is fine line between trying to better yourself as a human by humbling oneself and always thinking about other people (which is an actual thing I convinced myself I was doing – just ~being chill~ man), but realizing that you are realistically allowing people to wipe their shoes on your back as they tread through your life is a very sudden and horrific realization.

I don’t know how I can completely undo this. There is too much. So many interactions I did record, but so many I did not, and I am nearing the hundreds in regards to how many male partners I have had. And hundreds of experiences that I never directly understood as negatively until now is… too much… How much of myself have I indirectly given away? I don’t even know if I can wholly appreciate how it has effected me beyond having a deeply penetrating empathy for a completely different person that holds space in my past. And now I can’t unsee where this embedded accommodating comes up.

Am I doing myself a disservice when I choose not to speak up? Can I see clearly when I am allowing myself to be used? Am I using kink as a coping mechanism to deal with years of being used by men? Do I have a realistic standard to which I can understand power and when to utilize my own or not? I both feel as though I should brandish power in every instance because I was not given it, but equally understand how often power hinders conversation from moving forward.

Almost as soon as I was struck with this hard, deep truth, I made a vow to myself I would not compromise on my needs, wants or desires in order to accommodate another person, specifically a male person that I might be dating or fucking. I’ve begun to accumulate an elaborate list of things I will no longer tolerate:

not checking in with myself and clarifying exactly what is is I need and want; and holding myself accountable for finding the time, space and energy to communicate these things.

countless last minute cancelations: my time is worthy and important. I’m a fucking busy person running so much shit. I have no time to put up with your flakiness. 

not coming during partnered sex: I now push this portion to last longer often because I feel as though I need to make up for years of saying ‘oh, don’t worry about it’.

sudden halts in communication followed by a highly expectant late night “sup?” (Read this fucking awesome article by Jess Beaulieu about Actions Speaking Louder Than Words.)

catering to the men I was sleeping with in order to “get” to keep sleeping with them (because apparently dicks are a godsend in short supply and I should be so lucky??)

giving an endless supply of energy into relationships that do not mirror back that energy (going through the trouble to do human-care for another person: cooking, touching, kindness, listening, and not receiving these things back without any expectation on my part).

not being frank and honest about where the fuck you are at; omission counts as miscommunication.

Amongst other things. This new self-imposed rule has deeply and positively changed the foundation for my life and my relationships. I’ve forced myself to speak up for myself in situations I feel are being mishandled due to poor communication. I’ve actually sat down with myself to figure out what the fuck I want and how do I even go about doing that…

This weight is with me. This weight will never leave me. It is this weight that will constantly keep my fire burning to fight for better sex ed so I don’t have to worry about other young women not finding value outside of a physical body, outside of sex, outside of being desirable. This slut is still a proud slut, but now my pride comes from the energy I’ve put into investing in myself and my life experiences. 

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10 thoughts on “The Sexual Accommodization Of A Self-Proclaimed Slut

  1. I see a slight blurring between sex being empowering and using sex as power in your blog. Sex can be extremely empowering for women and men without using it as power of one partner over the next. I get the sense that you’ve use sex as power over men on occasion much like many of the women I dated earlier in my life. The sexual exchanges I prefer to have are ones where we both share of ourselves physically and emotionally knowing that both of us could have chosen a different partner for this encounter. I respect women that are very open and comfortable with their sexuality and I let them know that fact hoping that they will feel empowered knowing that there are men that respect and appreciate them for the way that they are. I my book there is nothing more powerful and attractive than an intelligent, beautiful slut. Use your power wisely and not to control or dominate.

    1. Hey! Yes. You are totally right. At 19 I 100% used to use sex as a means to power, and I am delighted and thrilled to be in a place where that is no longer the case. This change in mindset has definitely come from a better understanding of sexuality and my own personal boundaries, desires, and recognizing my need for connection and intimacy. I do ~LOVE~ power exchanges in sexual scenarios though, but I’m the one who gives it up now 😉

  2. Can’t stand behind the “society made me do it” part of this essay. As your female contemporary I have not experienced these levels of social pressure to attention seek and look for validation through sex with strangers. Perhaps this is something deeper then social pressure inside you. An issue with self esteem, a problematic relationship with a father figure, a feeling of not being good enough, or some kind of childhood trauma. This essay seems like the unsteady fist steps towards true self understanding. But I would urge you to keep pushing, instead of placing every thing on ‘society’ push deeper to try to find out why these feelings manifested inside you so strongly. Writing is of course an extremely therapeutic process, but I would encourage counselling to help you do this.

    1. Society didn’t make me do anything. But the only tools I had at my disposal as a young woman were the tools society provided to me. Society being: the culture I was living in, the education system I took part in, and my family’s values and beliefs. These are the things that shaped my beliefs around sex. The responsibility fell onto my shoulders to go out and seek the tools I did not even know to look for. I didn’t do anything I am ashamed of because the mind space I was living in I was empowered, it’s the aftermath of recognizing the behaviours I was partaking in were problematic. To be clear, sleeping with strangers for validation is NOT the issue at hand. That issue is tied into the tools I was given by ~society~. The issue is that I had no fucking clue what boundaries were or how to set them and communicate them and neither did most of my partners.

      I would suggest that you look within before you decide if it’s necessary to tell other people how they are feeling in moments of vulnerable sharing, especially when I’ve already shared my personal effective solution for my healing process. I will definitely confirm I had issues with self-esteem as a young woman – as literally every young woman does, but your decision to pathologize my behaviour instead of recognizing the limitations our culture has on sex education is extremely problematic to me.

  3. This article is absolutley ridiculous. You did what you did because you wanted to- you’ve clearly stated. I dont think of you less because of it but i dont understand why you’re blaming society. The way i see it is you had stong intense urges that you acted on willingly and proudly and then lost self control somewhere dkwn the line. Could it have been your age, sure? It could have been other reasons too but you cant look back in hindsight and beat yourself up about. If anything society makes women feel bad about themselves anytime they feel liberated or dont conform to the masses and i hate it. Do what you want its your life. Sex involves 2 ppl so it bothers me when women always get the shorter end of the stick.

    1. Hey Sam.. I think you are missing the point. I did exactly what I wanted to, you’re right, but I was very, very frequently not given space or opportunity to voice my boundaries and/or wants. I took a man home because I wanted to. That did not give him a free pass to shove his condomless dick into my ass without any warning whatsoever. I went to a sex club because I wanted to, that does not mean I wanted a strange man staring me down and talking to me while my partner had sex with me. I shared a taxi with two boys who offered because I wanted to. That does not mean I wanted them to both feel me up in the backseat of the cab. I never lost control in the sense you are referring to. I never had control in those scenarios to begin with, that’s the problem. Men assumed and I accommodated to those assumptions. I still have the same ‘strong intense urges’ but I know how to navigate safer and healthier interactions now specifically because of my work in Sex Education.

  4. This is great. I feel that this not only speaks to accommodation during sexual activities but in everyday life as well. As a woman, I too have felt that I’ve needed to be polite and accommodating in many areas of my life because I always felt it was best to avoid conflict at all costs and also, like you, I feel like I’m pretty ~chill~. I’m at a point in my life where I’m realizing how harmful this is and I’m trying to be better – although, it’s amazing how much push-back and defensiveness you get when you stop being *nice* all the time and do what’s right for you (mostly it’s subtle but noticeable nonetheless).

    I also agree that this is a societal problem because women are taught to be this way and when we realize this is wrong and inevitably try to fix/change this behaviour, we don’t know how to go about it. I chalk it up to a live and learn thing but it doesn’t have to be that way. With your work, along with countless others, we can educate girls and women about empowerment, healthy relationships and sex (I actually mean educate everyone but I think women specifically need to be taught that we don’t have to just absorb shit with a smile).

    I feel like we all start realizing it around this age too (I’m 27 now)….or we just stop giving fucks idk.
    Anyway, I enjoy reading your stories, especially about vulnerabilities because there are many elements in them that are relatable and we can all learn from them. Thanks.

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