The things I haven’t learned

At the bright and ripe age of 24, I have successfully failed at marriage.

If you are new to reading this blog, you will probably take one look at the name and think to yourself ‘well, duh, why would you even GET married’. If you know me… You might be thinking the same thing, regardless.

I am countlessly asked ‘What happened?” And as someone who has never been shy about sharing, I can honestly say, in the grand scheme of things… I don’t know. I really, truly, do not know anything about marriage.

And I know that these are things that don’t need to be said. I don’t owe any explanation to anyone, nor do I particularly want to give one. But in the interest in continuing this blog with the honesty and integrity I started it with, with the deep and real belief I have that the more we share and talk about things, the easier they become to change. So here we go.

A lovely thing someone posted on facebook the other day:

“Being married does not mean your relationship has more value than someone else’s.”

Which carries something beautiful with it and is, of course, 100% accurate. The government knows nothing about your relationship. Some of the most malfunctioning relationships could exist within marriage and some of the most magnificent relationships could exist outside of it.

I did not fail without a fight… Probably too many fights. I wrote countless letters that were never shared, attempting to find some wisdom in repetitive insight… (I never did… or maybe I did. Who knows). When it comes down to it, I physically and emotionally had no more to give. My posture collapsed in upon itself, my eyes welled up with tears, I became useless. Even writing this my chest is constricting and I have a headache. I had reached the threshold of what I could give of myself in this particular relationship.

Maybe it was because, as my mother never failed to remind me, “I was too young”… (I think I will always be too young). Maybe, it was because my brain, overridden by countless Disney movies and hollywood chick flicks,  had very small amounts of other options of what to do when you are entirely consumed by love but to tie yourself to that person for your entire life. Maybe it was my over zealous spontaneity or confidence in my decision-making skills that marriage didn’t seem as daunting as it does now.

Whichever it was or is… I am okay with it. Of course. How could you not be. It was a relationship and relationships are so infused with love and beauty and consumption of wanting something so badly. Relationships are the epitome of the ultimate human expression, in whatever form that expression chooses to come out in.

There are so many other things that need to be said about being married and separating from the person who you existed in marriage with. There are so many moments that you ache for. There are feelings you wonder if you will ever feel again.

“I love your face. Like, so much so. Everything about it is something I find to be so appealing and handsome – a face I would want to spend forever with if I believed in forevers.”

In the painfully honest words of the most romantic teen fiction novel of our time:

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