I have been recently pondering my answer to the question: Why sex? Why do you have such a heavy interest in sex?
As opposed to lawn bowling, various types of green teas, nail polish application, meditation, weight-lifting or siamese cats?
While all those things are fairly awesome, I am interested in something that is innate, integral to the well-being of a person.
Yeah yeah yeah. Sex drives are important and recognizing that and taking responsibility for your desires are just as important, but, that’s only the tip of the iceberg.
I am interested in self-development. In learning. In growing as a person. This isn’t cheesy ‘Let’s be the best person you can be’ self-help therapy stuff. This is being a consciously aware human being.
You make a decision, you don’t like the outcome, you don’t make the same decision again. Did and done.
To paraphrase Albert Einstein: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting things to change.
When I felt overwhelming shame, guilt and fear for feeling sexual, I asked myself what I needed to change in order to erase the negativity I was being taught to associate to my body.
HERES THE THING PEOPLE OF FACEBOOK (and now people of the internet… FINALLY. You are all learning what you need to be doing with your computer time: making love to my words. I typed these words people. This word right HERE, is a damn fine sexy ass word….Get up on it): I was having sex regardless of me associating these icky feelings to it.
Why? Because my desire to have sex was overriding my not wanting to get naked in front of people, it was overriding my awareness that it was unlikely I’d be able to have an orgasm during partner sex, it was overriding my fear that the person I was sleeping with would never want to touch me again after they learned how gross I looked naked or how weird my vagina looked or smelt. It was overriding the guilt that I knew I was not in love with the person I was having sex with (as my mother and society informed me was the only ‘right’ way to copulate).
So, on one hand we have ICKY FEELINGS, on the other we have HORNINESS, and the result is SEX ANYWAYS.
BUT!!!! ‘Sex Anyways’ is NOT NOT NOT the kind of sex you want to be having.
There are all these missing links between your sexuality and your body. As someone who went through all of the steps in between the ‘Sex Anyways’ sex to the ‘Holy Fuck, I Am So Incredibly Present in the Sensations That Are Occurring in my Body’ Sex, I can full-heartedly tell you it is worth the mission.
This is a play-by-play of my Sex Anyways sex:
Scene: Boy and Caitlin are sitting on a bench in a park, it is dark, and they are near water and you can hear waves hitting the shore. If this was a romance novel, it would be described as a moment full of anticipation and lustful wanton…
Caitlin’s thoughts proceed:
Am I sitting straight enough? Can he see the rolls my stomach makes when I sit? Is my shirt too low? Does he think I’m trying to hard? Is my shirt too high? Does he not see me as a sexual object? Am I not someone he would have sex with? What if he smells my breath and it’s terrible? I could suggest we go home so I could brush my teeth and fix my makeup? What if he thinks I’m too forward? Oh Oh. Oh god. Here comes the kiss. This is the worst part. HORNY HORNY HORNY. Am I using too much tongue? Not enough? Am I being too aggressive? Should I let him control it more? This is going on for a long time. HORNY. His hand is on my boob. We’re in a park… Should I stop him? It’s dark? Do I care? Should I care? HORNY HORNY HORNY. Oh my god. My nipples are so hard right now. I wonder if that’s gross? Nipples! STOP IT. HORNY HORNY. Fuck shit tard. My vagina has it’s own heart beat. I wonder if he can hear it. Is that an erection?! WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT?! What did Cosmo tell me? What was that thing I heard at school the other day? Tease him? How the holy fuck do I do that? Make fun of his hair? Oh my god. His hand is between my legs. UGH. HORNY HORNY HORNY. He is going to see me naked. *Stops making out in horror of this realization, boy doesn’t notice horror and starts sucking on neck* Armpits: shaved and deoderized. Legs: shaved (but not moisturized…). Pubic hair: Agh. Somewhat shaved… WHAT IF HE WANTS IT ALL SHAVED?! WHAT IF HE DOESNT WANT IT SHAVED AT ALL. Weight: Haven’t lost that five pounds yet… Vagina: Bathed this morning, but that was 10 hours ago! I probably smell awful…Fuck. This will have to be quick. HORNY HORNY HORNY.
Play by play of Holy Fuck, I Am So Incredibly Present in the Sensations That Are Occurring in my Body Sex:
His hands feel incredible on my skin. His erection is amazing, I am so excited for that to be inside me. In every way possible. My nipples are so sensitive right now. I am so wet right now. Everything he is doing feels absolutely brilliant, “Keep doing that” PLEASURE PLEASURE HORNY AWESOME MOAR AWESOME HORNY PLEASURE. We have all the time in the world to linger in every fabulous sensation that we can think of. (This is often why I am late for things…)
Seriously. This is actually what went on in my brain and what currently goes on in my brain.
Breathing is so much easier before sex.
So. I know that Sex Anyways sex occurs because I speak to girls and boys about Body Pride and why they can’t come. And I know the Incredible Present Sensational Sex occurs, because I have it frequently, and the Icky Feelings get more and more subdued the more I push myself to let go and feel instead of worry and fret.
You may have noticed that this blog is not going to teach you how to improve your blow-job giving skills or what sounds your partner likes to hear in the midst of a mind-altering orgasm.
It’s the steps in between the HORNY HORNY HORNY and the Icky Feelings.
I think that summates things pretty well.