Miss Marple’s Detective Agency: How to wrangle in a lady

There is something to be said about women.

And I shall be the one to say it. Men: you will get your own story, too. Just not quite yet, you sex machines, you.

After the accidental discovery of Viagra (go watch Love and Other Drugs, it is a pretty apt synopsis of the whole thing, entangled in a love story, of course) the drug lords (Pfizer, etc.) of the world decided it was time to sit down and create a female viagra – because who has as many sexual issues as women do?! Could you imagine? All of those times when she just ‘wasn’t in the mood’? All the women who believe they are ‘asexual’ because their sex drive seems to be nonexistent?

More of this would happen...


How joyous the world would be if all women had rampant sexualities that needed to be satiated on a constant basis. Although no one would get anything done and we might sink back from urban living and into the bonobo lifestyle. Or, as my wife (read: kindred spirit partner minus the sexy time) would say, we would all be better of in small, semi-nomadic groups anyhow, so, what the hell.

Vivus, a California-based drug company, started with testing a Viagra-like drug that widened the blood vessels and increased blood flow, reasoning that the increase in blood flow to a woman’s vagina would increase her feelings of arousal, just as it does for men. (Side note and health class lesson: when a woman IS aroused, there is definitely increased blood flow to and in her vagina, most easily recognized by the clitoris growing larger.) After $10 million spent in costs, the vasodilator failed. This continued on: every attempt at stimulating female desire through ‘peripherally acting agents’ was a failure. Though, with males, it seemed to work fine.

This is a wild and crazy discovery of how different female and male sexuality are:

“It wasn’t just the behaviors of men and women that seemed different – their brains seemed different, too.”

I feel like I learnt the following in Intro Psych (a course I recommend to all University students), but it is here in one of my sex books, too, and it is from here that I shall quote it.

In attempt to garner more attention, I am using my assets and relating to my readers ADHD and providing video format of the quote. The glasses are to make the whole experience seem worthwhile, and the corset is to distract you from what I am saying but make you watch it over and over until it is imprinted in your mind. MUAHAHA.

So, herein lies the problem that perhaps women WERE into the monkey porn but did not feel comfortable saying it. But even considering this fallacy, one woman claims: “It’s hard not to notice when your panties are soaking wet. It’s just that being aroused by something that disgusts you is very, very unpleasant.”

And with that, even more women admit to lubrication and even orgasm during unwanted and coercive sex – the woman’s body responds, even as her mind rebels.

Which brings us to, as my awesome sex book refers to it as: The Miss Marple Detective Agency. The Detective Agency has four separate detectives:

1. An emotional detective
2. A social detective
3. A cultural detective
4. A physical detective

“This is also why there can be no female Viagra. Simply increasing heat and blood flow between a woman’s legs won’t sway the discerning Miss Marple.”

The male brain solves men’s investment planning with two quick and simple short cuts: youth and gynoid fat (hips, thighs and buttocks).

If you are trying to woo a girl, use this information to your advantage, but not recklessly, karma’s a bitch.

She will be looking to make sure you are not a psychopath by testing your capacity for empathy (and, in her subconscious, biological mind, your ability to have care for your children).

She will be looking to make sure that you have social ties- every females talks to other females about men. If you hit on a girl, give it 1/2 a hour before she is whispering to her friends or stalking your facebook to see if you are a hermit who plays video games or a fun-loving, outdoorsy type who has pictures with other people. If this is not you: go build yourself a life. It will benefit you in many ways.

Cultural detectives are a little trickier. Depending on where you live, the social norms will be different. For example, if you are a doctor, you will reap the benefits with the ladies. If you are a garbage man, maybe not so much. Luckily, us living in Toronto have a variety of educated people who enjoy artists, tax collectors, restaurant managers, and writers (ahem…). But this also applies to things like tattoos: do you have another ladies name one your ass? “MOM” on your shoulder? And clothing: are you a male in fishnets? Will you meet her parents wearing a sarong?

It sucks in some ways, because adapting to the social norm is just sucky. But it will also benefit you. If you know how to ‘play normal’ you will befriend many and still be able to return to your ground zero. If you play Dungeons and Dragons, here’s to you, but don’t mention it to a cheerleader. (And yes, I am aware that there may be girls out there who also enjoy such things, but this is a generalization, a recognized generalization meant to help you recognize the psychology of others and make the world a happier place…).

Physical is easy here: look your best, take care of your body, do not eat at McDonalds excessively, get a nice haircut that flatters your face. If you have a unibrow, there are tweezers for that. If you have back hair, wax it. If you are wearing white sneakers, throw them out. If the shoulders of your t-shirt are at your elbows, go shopping. If you have bad acne, go to a dermatologist. Yeah, okay, maybe your guy friends will tease you, and girls will tease you, too. But truthfully, they are happy to show off a man who is always looking and smelling good. (Again with the generalizations. I, for one, do not mind back hair. And the occasional unibrow was always intriguing.)

I’m just sayin, is all.

One thought on “Miss Marple’s Detective Agency: How to wrangle in a lady

  1. Good post. Although being quick to note that you’re making generalizations doesn’t always make them as universal as you claim. I happen to be a hermit who plays video games who is an outdoorsy-type with pictures of other people having fun, and I don’t think I’m a particular exception to the rule.

    Of course, it could be my sample size, but I just always hesitate to buy into generalizations. Even if they’re more true than I’d like to admit, talking as if they’re the rule of thumb just perpetuates a lot of wrong ideas, I think. Maybe there are a lot of trends in behavior, but I’d rather take people one at a time.

    Anyway, I only had to watch your video once. But I did twice anyway.

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