The Perils of Online Dating; mostly a(n informative) rant…

Most of you whom I converse with eventually come to the thrilling discovery that I partake in online dating. Although it is becoming more and more popular among the single-tons (and married men) of today, I still continue to get a reaction of shock and horror that I would plant myself amongst the men pretending to be women, the rapists, the repulsively desperates and the troves of internet gamers that balance a Plenty Of Fish conversation as they finish this round of Zelda.

(I assume Zelda is the name of a video game. I am more than okay to be wrong about this, so I won’t even bother to google.)

I’ve been doing it long enough that this reaction is more than expected. So, what are my reasons for submitting myself to appear as a desperate female in search of her Prince Charming?

1. The last thing I want is a Prince Charming. I’ll ride my own white horse, dammit.
2. Shockingly, the above statement cancels out dating a lot of folks who generally want the conventional boy/girl, saviour/savee relationship.
3. However, this decisiveness on my part is convenient in that I know what I’m not looking for.
4. The next portion of this logic is that once one has come to this conclusion, the smart thing to do would be to carry a large sign around the busiest intersection reading something like: LOOKING FOR PRINCE CHARMING’S ALTER EGO (theoretically). But, perhaps you may not be approached by the person you want to be approached by. They may also think you clinically unwell.
5. The internet provides you with a directory of single people. Allowing for one to flip through pages of personalities and faces until you fall upon one that intrigues you.

And it is hard to find intriguing people sometimes. The powers of online dating definitely up your chances.

But I’d like to just say something here, and I will probably be offensive. (This may be a result of working in a diner in which the most common catchphrase among the staff is ‘Go fuck yourself’.)

To the men of the internet:

Most women do not think like you think.

(Also, to the women of the internet:

Most men do not think like you think. But this is not about that.)

I could take this chance to talk about why men and women are wired differently and what sexual cues occur in the unique neurological processes of each sex. But I won’t bother you right now with the scientific jargon. I shall just paint this picture for you:

Men have visual cues, if you have a nice rack, good legs, a hot bod and a stunning face, they will notice.

Women have visual cues, too. But there is a shit ton of other stuff that needs to come hand in hand with thinking a male is good-looking enough to date (and/or sleep with).

These psychologists (Hatfield and Clark) did this experiment:

“[…] four young men and five young women from an undergraduate psychology class, all neatly dressed in casual attire. The male confederates were instructed to approach female students. The female confederates were instructed to approach male students. Each confederate asked his or her target one of three questions:
1. Would you go out with me tonight?
2. Would you come over to my apartment tonight?
3. Would you go to bed with me tonight?”

The results?

Men who said ‘yes’:
– To go out with, 50%
– To go to apartment, 69%
– To go to bed with, 75%

Women who said ‘yes’:
– To go out with, 56%
– To go to apartment, 6%
– To go to bed with, 0%

Conclusion: Men are easy.

What is the point of all this? Well of 250 messages, about 90% of them read like below.

(Note: Males- I am going to help you here. Are you an online dater that is not getting any dates? – and ultimately, dating also implies getting some action, let’s be honest. There is a reason. Probably multiple reasons. Keep reading.)

ok i messaged u twice and honestly that can only mean two things ur either anti social or u must like girls – or… that the picture of your shirtless, bony bod in front of your ‘hog’ is almost as un-arousing as the fact that you can’t be bothered to put the ‘yo’ in ‘you’.

That’s one spectacular rack you’ve got there…
– I don’t so much mind boob comments. It’s not like I’m not aware I have large, fleshy mounds attached to me and that biologically, men are drawn to them. (I have a photo posted in which I purposely flaunt the fact that I have cleavage. Which is hilarious, because if I pretend they aren’t there, everyone’s cool with it, but if I bring to attention that you were looking, I suddenly get bombarded with two reactions: ‘omg, are you looking for cheap sex? you are completely asking for the wrong attention’ or ‘damn, you’re right, I clicked on your profile because of the cleavage’. The reactions go 50/50… I’ve been meaning to turn it into some form of study). But if you’re not going to write anything else, I really am not sure what the point is… My inbox looks freakishly close to the inbox of a fan page devoted to my chest.

hey wanna chat sometime – No. No, I really don’t.

would you ever sell your dirty anklets or any trashed flats, heels? $$ 😛 – As much as I am amused by this, the marketing tools used are dreadful. The infomercial of Plenty of Fish.

theyre nice – *they’re. The effort of sending two words was just too much.

Hiya, Sport. Thought you looked interesting and wanted to see if that was true. – You have immediately thrown me. Any reference to me as ‘Dude’/’Buddy’/’Sport’ is really unappealing unless you just want to be friends, masculinizing me in this sense reeealllly doesn’t make me want to see you in any sexual lighting. Also… this type of message weirds me out… What do you want me to do for you? Send you back a message full of jokes? Prove to you that I AM ‘interesting’…?

hey how are you doing – Great, thanks. But my barista asked me that this morning and I’m not looking to replace her just yet. She fulfills my daily quota of ‘how are you?’ It is remarkable how many message just contain this one line.

hiiiiii h r u – Seriously?

Examples of good messages:

Hello hello,

I must say, well written profile.

It gives nothing away, So I am forced to send you an email.

So do you watch hockey? Follow the play offs?

Although I have no interest in hockey, this fellow appealed to my ‘intellectual’ ego instead of my chest. A spark goes off in my mind that would tell me I’d be appreciated.

Something related to things written in your profile. Something about how I relate to it. Something about me designed to pique your interest.

Question about you to stimulate a response.

First name.

A creative methodology, and in response to how I wrote out my meager profile. This lets the female know that the male in question is intelligent, well-spoken and has access to his right brain, which is correlated to spontaneity and romance.

Actually, I was thinking of, next week, when I am in Australia, smuggling back a Koala Bear for you, trouble is, they only eat eucalyptus leaves, and I cannot find a grocer nor a florist that sells the amount needed!
How about a sock puppet?

A second message. But amusing. I enjoy a good sock puppet. And he spelt eucalyptus right!

Boys: I get that boobs are exciting, tis why I’m not a frequent wearer of baggy sweaters. I’ll appeal to your visual cues. But step up! Appeal to my cultural and psychological cues, too!


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