Fire the flesh musket and dance the two finger ballet

Masturbation. MUSTURBATION. Mustard. Master of the bating. Musky bater. What awful sound links…

First of all, I would like to go ahead and jump the bandwagon and just reiterate how terrible of a word ‘masturbate’ is.

So, like all things that confuse or irritate me, I googled for a reasoning.

Wikipedia (and of all things wiki, take with a furrowed, critical brow) believes that ‘masturbate’ is a word derived from latin ‘manus’, meaning hand, and ‘turbare’, to disturb. Or even from Latin ‘manu stuprare’, which translates into ‘to defile with the hand’. How nice. Not exactly a positive connotation now, is it?

And it sits so awkward on the tongue, like you’ve just thrown up a little in your mouth.

I rarely use the stupid word (perhaps because I never feel as if I am ‘defiling’ myself…), a much preferred term of mine is ‘self-love’. But, as a couple of my male friends have pointed out, it sounds almost more like something your therapist would tell you to find within yourself, and therefore, is ineffective coming out of my sex-talk, gutter mouth, especially when I am referring to a much more… physical act.

Yet, I still feel like it is the most appropriate option.

Here is a nice picture by Klimt:

A lovely lady self-lovin'

So, world of facebook and all else that stumble upon this here site, as I have confessed to you the habits of my vagina being put to use, I confess to you again: I am a self-lover. Big time fan of shining the diamond. Slicing the pie. Of taking advantage of myself.

These terms are ridiculous. I am currently sitting in a coffee shop, with two windows open: one is different terms for male masturbation, the other for female. The lists read more like comedy sketches and I am in no way comfortable applying a very large portion of them to myself. God forbid I put images in your heads that do most definitely not need to be there. So when you go visit the sites for the men and the women, picture instead, Scarlett Johansson and Johnny Depp. Those people are either too beautiful for their image to be ruined, or if it does ruin your image of them, perhaps this is a good thing to take them off their pedestal and remember they are just other monkeys.

Alright, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s get to the good stuff.


insanely accurate interpretation.

Basically that’s pretty much it.
I know a fucking whack load of you are super weirded out by the whole thing. And by you, I mean females. You men folk don’t seem to have any problem with accessing your spank bank and rubbing one out. This grand generalization is backed up by absolutely nothing because it is mostly just common sense. And yes, I have talked to some of you who have told me you don’t do it so often, which is cool, whatever floats your boat. But about 95% of all males I have spoken with about the topic have easily admitted to AT LEAST once a day ‘self-lovin’.

And that’s also cool. More than cool, it’s awesome.
Females, do you ever wonder why most men are so lax and have an ‘I-don’t-give-a-damn’ attitude?

Orgasms are stress relievers! *Insert gasps of shock and wonder*

I wrote an article (included below) about this said here topic for U of T (Sometimes I wonder how I managed to be published in print…), but below are some point by point reasons why you should practice masturbation. Often.

Things You Need to Know About Masturbation:

1. It will not cause hairy palms. In fact, if you do have hairy palms, it is a werewolf condition in which the skin on your palms is like the skin on the back of your hand. Masturbation has nothing to do with this.

2. It will not cause infertility. In fact, if you are a male, ejaculating a few times a week will actually benefit your sperm count (think of it as refilling a well with new spring water- in with the new, out with the old!)

3. For women: it helps prevent cervical infections and helps reduce urinary tract infections. Check that out. AND there are no health risks to it, too. I mean, unless you’ve got a likin’ to do it in public restrooms or barns, and an interest in inserting small objects into the various holes in your body, I’d say your pretty safe.

4. Will work against insomnia through hormone and tension relief – almost as good as yoga!

5. Improves the mood – a fantastic way out of a rut.

6. Relieves stress: the wave of endorphins will not only put a smile on your face, but make you a better employee/student/partner/offspring, etc.

7. Strengthens our relationships with ourselves: our genitals are not sewers (as much as our parents would have us believe- this is where babies are made people!!)

8. Free and easy orgasms! Think about it, no STD’s, no need to please someone else, no pressure, it’s all you baby, and only YOU know how to make YOU feel the way YOU do.

9. In relation to #8, you can then tell others how to bring you to this wonderful state of bliss without relying on their blind and ineffective methods of foreplay. TAKE CHARGE.

10. Just because boys do it lots, does not mean it is not an activity for girls. We are living in an equal rights society now girls, our gear may not be standing at attention, but we can’t afford to ignore this stuff. Delve inwards and explore the territory!

11. It will not cause blindness. Seriously. How is this even a relevant myth??

12. It is a good thing. As far as I’m aware, it’s definitely up there on the list of activities one can do without bringing harm/unhappiness to ourselves and those around us. Just one burst of lip-biting zenith, baby!

13. Fantasies can stay fantasies. Just because you imagine having a dark, dirty affair with a prof, does not mean it needs to happen. Get creative! No one will judge you, the best part is- no one needs to know. It’s just you and your hand tonight. (Or this morning, or afternoon… depending when is convenient and what floats your boat)

14. Put the guilt on a side platter and serve it to the fishies. Screw the implied negative associations and just love it.

They didn’t publish a couple of my points. As I was intoxicated when I wrote it, so probably a wise decision on their part. However, I have included all points, just for you. That’s a lie. Originally there were 17 points… the other three (for some reason), I decided to get into the ‘how to’ aspect of it all…

What is my point here?

Touch yourselves. That is all. Preferably not in public… That is illegal. Although if being watched is what you’re into, there are plenty of options you can look into without breaking the law…

This is important people of the internets. If you are going to have sex, you should know the body with which you shall be using to have the sex. You are making uniformed decisions if you just go blindly into it and assume you don’t need to know- that you’re partner will figure it out, or that you will just supply him/her with pleasure instead of receiving any. Like going white water rafting without reading the beginners guide to the raft.

Lastly, there are sometimes issues with religion and the masturbation. I can’t help you there. I am not religious, so I can’t bless you or tell you you won’t go to hell… (I’m trying to avoid stepping on toes here, I mean no offense to you and your beliefs). However, I can tell you this: the thing about masturbation is it a part of you. You are accessing portions of your body that are potentially capable of producing extreme pleasure and might even bring you to a type of enlightenment you did not expect. You are not shooting heroine or sniffing coke, you are not artificially altering your mind set.

This is you as you. You in your most natural state.

Is this not something to embrace?

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