As I sit here in Starbucks, at 9pm on a Saturday night, waiting for my Fran’s shift to start, and eating a banana, I decided I wanted to talk about penises. Because this is what I think about every time I eat a banana… And so do most people. This is also why a friend of mine has extreme difficulty eating phallic-shaped foods in public.
I figured it was only appropriate, after having written an ode to the clitoris to at least touch upon the other spectrum of things. Except I’m not quite sure what to say about them. Penises, that is.
They are quite fantastic things, that is for sure… Not quite so mysterious as the female anatomy, but just as fun and promising of a good time.
Another friend (not the one who cannot insert oblong shapes into her mouth in public) (I’m also not making these people up… I feel ‘friend’ treads lightly upon the path of ‘this girl has no friends and is definitely just making shit up’ –instead of just flat out naming folks… You’ll have to deal and trust my narration) suggested I write about how to handle seeing a penis for the first time.
So therein lies the theme. Penis novelties? Eyeball virginities?
This will likely be a much less academic post…
My First Penis; A Short Story (I can only imagine the brief glances people are having at my screen right now…)
Quite frankly, I am sure I saw a penis before I had a direct encounter with one. It’s rather hard to avoid human nudity these days… (This is a reference to all those naked folks walking around down town Toronto, obviously). My father (in short, a stubborn stoner with a big heart) had a niche for ineffectively hiding his private life from his daughters. So factor in a few awkward moments of him thinking he could sneak from the kitchen to his room late at night without any clothing on and some unfortunate discoveries of his own amateur porno pictures with his lady-friend on the family computer and what do you get? Freud’s wet dream, I’m sure. But also a vague idea of what the hell is going on down there for the opposite sex. This, for a 14-year-old, just to draw the difference between then, and now. (I’d like to think, now, I have a little more than a vague idea…Hopefully…As a write a public blog on them…)
So now that I’ve disclosed some interesting information about my childhood (ah, things become so much clearer, don’t they?) I shall dispel into the face-to-penis interaction I had when I was 15.
This particular penis was also a portion of the male that I did most of my ‘firsts’ with. As much as I’m sure you’d love me to get into the nitty gritty details of my first kiss, first top-removal (oh, the triumphal moment!), my first nipple tweak (oh, the surprise!) and things of a similar nature, I shall try and stay focused here.
In the duration of two weeks (at camp), I was smacked hard (not with a penis) with an onslaught of sexual experiences. I think though, that for the first week, when rubbing and touching over clothing did the trick well enough, up until the idea of ‘oral’ hit this particular penis’s mind track, I successfully (and likely, purposely) avoided any direct confrontation with his penis at all.
Then, that lovely evening, he had seduced me into an empty cabin. I was terrified. For various reasons. I felt as if I was spewing invisible nerves all over the place. The reasons for this:
1. I rather liked this boy and was anxious to please him.
2. I had no buggerin’ clue what I was doing.
3. The idea of getting too close to his nether regions brought on a cold sweat.
It’s likely I was not ready for any of this. But there are some things that you cannot truly prepare yourself for at all (defeating the purpose of this post completely. I will keep going anyhow).
As we were rolling about in this dark cabin (which was against the rules, by the way), he pulled his pants down enough to let loose the beast. The moonlight was bright enough to fill me with more terror, more nerves, more anxiety upon looking at the thing (I say ‘thing’ because at this moment, ‘thing’ was exactly what it was to me).
He was circumsized, but this does not matter much, as either way, when erect, they generally look the same.
This was not the first thing I noticed.
The first things I noticed:
It was large, in your face, and demanding to be paid attention to. Penises are very selfish things.
Luckily, they are often attached to people, who sometimes aren’t so selfish. Which makes things easier.
Anyhow, he wanted me to perform oral sex on him. (DUDE– there is an albino black person in Starbucks!! SO COOL)
I did not want to, at all. But I was anxious to please him. Although I cannot imagine how successful this pleasuring was, as I had a mouthful of braces at the time and was completely unaware as to which methods of tongue placements could protect his junk from the wrath of pointy metal shards.
Regardless, it took some time for me to follow through (I have hence learned how to deal with peer pressure, thank you very much), but during this time, there was a lot of staring done. Eye to eye with the snake of manhood.
… It was kind of like holding a baby alien in your hands…
You don’t want to hurt it, because you know it’s precious and vaguely reminds you of something human, but is so wildly unlike anything else on the male body that it throws your mind for a loop.
(Yes men, I did just compare your man parts to baby aliens. I can only assume, though, that the experience of your first vagina was something pretty similar).
I also believed I laughed. For quite some time. Which I am sure was a stain on his ego… Especially if you’ve ever heard me laugh. I probably woke the camp up.
But this is normal. Sex induces giggles and laughter. It is a much more positive way to handle things than hissing and making a cross with your fingers, if you ask me.
SEX ORGANS ARE WEIRD.
There is no getting around it. You can get used to them, but ultimately, the first time you see one, YOU WON’T GET IT. But you can accept it. Which I think is a fair balance.