Well. Alrighty then.
If you told me a year ago I’d be getting married in August, I would’ve bellowed in laughter and then maybe would have made out with the cute waiter.
But here I sit, with a ring on a finger that declares to the world I am full-heartedly WITH someone, two months away from getting hitched. From tying the knot. From signing some legal documents and committing myself to a person who, for the last 4 months, I could see myself being with for the rest of my life.
The. Rest. Of. My. Life.
That’s a fuckload of a long time. Especially for the girl who, for the past 5 years, has undergone a journey through sexual deviancy and started a blog about why her sexual deviancy is so important. To the girl who spews information about polyamory, non-monogamy, and open relationships, I am about to embark on one of the most intense one-on-one commitments you can make.
Which is silly, because it’s just some papers and some words, but for some reason, and perhaps it’s the deep and heavy history of the thing (marriage, that is) or perhaps it’s the fact that every Disney movie ends in one (a wedding, that is) that this life-long promise is so daunting.
Why not wait?
Do you know how old you are?
You guys have only known each other for 4 months!
Frequent things repeated to me throughout my informing loved ones of my engagement.
“So, I proposed to Jake.” (That’s his name, by the way.)
I could just as easily say here: Jake and I have decided to wed each other. The reasons why I am specifying my proposal are:
1. I am not a gushed up sappy flood of estrogan who was woo-ed with rose petals, large and public announcements of lurve and a fancy diamond (although, if you are, here’s to you). He did not get down on one knee and open a small box and I did not cry. I tell you I proposed to erase this image from your mind, because it is immediately what I think of when I think of proposals. Which are not bad things, but I like to think I am here to break a few of the norms of how we understand relationships and sexuality: I am a self proclaimed slut, and this is how we do it.
2. My mother proposed to my father, and the parallels of these histories is a quirky coincidental thing that makes me chuckle.
3. It happened naturally in state of too much wine, serotonin and adrenaline after an extremely good turn out at our “I’d Tap That” event on May 27th. After a sentence escaped his mouth about how excited he was to know me when I was 80, gray and babushka-like, I smiled, knew exactly where he was coming from and said something very quickly and awkward, like: “I-don’t-even-know-if-I-believe-in-marriage-but-maybe-one-day-if-I-ever-did-do-something-like-maybe-would-you-maybe-want-to-do-it-with-me?” To which he quickly replied, “yes”.
Our lives unfold in a series of events. In every phase, you hope you know yourself a little bit better, learn from your mistakes, know exactly what you don’t want to do and try not to follow the patterns that led you down a path which you did not like the ending to.
When I first began seeing Jacob, I was also seeing about 5 other people – in celebration of my love for loving, I took pride in being a single chick and having my multiple intimate partners who I could go for dinner with, watch movies with, call for late night booty calls and still maintain a great level of friendship with. After my second date with Jake, I stopped seeing those people. I politely informed them that I would be unavailable for a while – I was caught up in something and I had to see how it unfolded. It just kept unfolding…
After the first month of seeing each other – I brought up a conversation about ‘what we were’. Neither of us was seeing anyone else, but both of us knew that we did not want to have a relationship. Each of our last relationships left us with this feeling. Each of our last relationships were incredibly valuable to our development before meeting each other, and to those people we dated before we became engaged, your relationships with us are also inextricably valuable to your evolution in your own relationships.
(There is this strange concept that ‘exes’ have this generalization of ‘not being good enough’ or when they hear about where old boyfriends and girlfriends are at now, there may be a type of evil laughter regardless of if they are getting married or if they are still single. This goes both ways. And I’m not sure why we do it in society, it’s become a norm. Maybe to make ourselves feel more comfortable in the phase of life we are in without that person? I’m not sure. But I do want to thank my exes, my boys, my partners. For however brief or lengthily we were together, I only wish you happiness.)
The conversation was concluded, awkwardly (because neither of us were very fond of being vulnerable), that we were each others’ “sidekicks”. We weren’t ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ or ‘lovers’ or ‘partners’. We were just sidekicks. There to hangout and give support when needed. Easy.
Then another month went by and we went on a two day trip to Niagara Falls. Still getting used to each others company, still unsure about some things, still figuring it out. It continued to unfold. And there were a few moments in my head where I thought “I kind of just want to propose to him. I have no logical or rational reason for it. But I kind of want to do it.”
I didn’t. I asked Jake recently what his answer would’ve been if I had’ve asked him then (after two months of knowing each other), and he, very similarly to what my answer would have been, was “Probably yes, but I wouldn’t have had good reason for it.”
Logically, rationally, we may still not have very good reason for it – just that this feels like the path that we need to be going down right now. As I said to my father: “Who knows! Maybe I’ll be the woman who goes through ten marriages and divorces and then winds up with him again in the end!”
We cannot know. It is a silly thing to think you will know, and if you are always going by the logic that you are certain of the future, you will fail miserably.
Why I am getting married:
The IDEA of a future in which I am growing and experiencing with Jacob makes me inexplicably happy. And not in the ecstatic thrill of a roller coaster (although there is a little bit of that), but in the stability of my heartbeat… I am washed over with a sense of calm and a contented smile. The future I want to have, has this person in it, and that is all.
Why not wait:
Why would I wait? If you want things done, you gotta do ‘em. Only by doing them will you learn.
But you are so young:
Maybe I’m also too young to have decided I wanted to stop going to school? Maybe I am also too young to have a sex blog in which I hope to facilitate my peers in learning and experiencing? Maybe I am too young to be having sex at all? Maybe I am too young to have had as many partner as I have had? Maybe I am too young to own pets? Maybe I am too young to be supporting myself? Age is as relative as shoe size. Quoting the hubby-to-be: “I know myself and I know my choice.”
So, my dear and wonderful readers. This whole blog will take on an interesting new turning point in which this slut shall become a married slut….
I know. I’m curious, too.